Bowl, The Joel, WFT?!?!, Wi-Fi Supercomputer...

So the The Joel comes to NYC...by himself!! So after the ceremonial reach-arounds and what nots, we decide to grab some dinner and what we thought were a good amount of beers to get the night started. Instead, The Joel has his two boys from high school over and between us and some other people that were over we quickly realized that we needed to hit a bar ASAP. So we head down in the pouring rain to a place i've never been to meet up with a friend. Ok...i'm making a really short story long, but its my first time writing to the blog in a awhile so I'm not feeling at the top of my literary game. Here is the gist of it:

We had ALOT of Patron that night...I had $96 in Patron shots alone on my tab, let alone the ones that Bowl got. Fortunately for me it was all part of a diabolical plan to get The Joel WASTED. After a couple shots of the good stuff we went upstairs to hangout with my friend and some of his girls there for a birthday party. I think we were up there a total of 10 min. before The Joel was up on a table grinding with some Latin hottie, which correct me if I'm wrong The Joel, but I believe you described her as the hottest dancer you've ever encountered?? She was into it to, but for some reason her friend was a hater and took her away. So we continued in our pursuit to drink as much patron as possible. When that bar shut down we hopped into a cab to continue drinking at the Bryant Park Hotel. The cellar bar was packed with even more hotties for The Joel to scope out.

On a side note, one of The Joel's friends (we shall call him "Gracie") claimed to be slapping skins with one of Moby's girlfriends, I really wouldn't know I'm going to believe him because I have no reason not to. Well my friend and I were walking past her old work building and she saw the security guard. He said he was working late for Moby's birthday party. Later that night my friend was talking to the supposed girlfriend of Moby when she mentioned the party and how she used to know one of his ex-girlfriends. Well thats when this girl flipped out, guess she didn't know that he "dated" her and she stormed out of the building. The next day I read something about how Moby's birthday ended early because someone pulled the fire alarm. Seeing that the Bryant Park Hotel and the building where Moby's party was taking place are about 500 ft away...well...you can put two and two together.

Back to the main story here...The Joel was going NUTS!! I mean this kid was grooving everywhere, with everyone (whether they wanted to or not) and doing it at an incredible rate. He finally slowed down and settled on some short little cutie. Bowl was pulling out all the stops...he showed her the robot, the chicken dance, his wi-fi supercomputer, etc. etc. He we getting jiggy on her...so after a couple minutes The Joel turned around and she looked at me and I asked her if she was OK. Simple question...just making sure she's comfortable with The Joel humping her leg, you know. That was it, we went our separate ways and I started talking to my friends. All of a sudden she starts talking shit about me...WHEN I'M STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HER!! She called me an asshole and a cockblock...and when Bowl asked her why she said its because I asked her if she was OK dancing with The Joel. It took all my power not to turn around and do something that would put me in jail for an extended period of time (THANKS ANGER MANAGEMENT!!!)

Anyway...WTF?!?! ended up losing the girl and it was after 4am so we had to leave the bar. We weren't too far from my apartment so we started stumbling home. It wasn't too long before we got to Grand Central Station when I noticed that Gracie's friend started to drag something really heavy behind him. When I went over for a closer look I realized that he was dragging a FIRE HYDRANT. You might be sitting home saying...well of course he is!!...not me...i was kind of confused. He and Gracie picked it up and said it was coming home with us. Knowing that arguing wouldn't have changed anything I began hailing cabs. Apparently putting a fire hydrant in the back of a cab isn't as easy as you'd think...it took about 10 hailed cabs for us to find someone that would let us put it in there. We pulled a u-turn on 42nd st and started home. No sooner than we started did he pull over on the other side of 42nd st and say "no no no ... i can't do this". So we were about 10 ft closer to home after 20 min of arguing with cab drivers. BUT WE DID NOT GIVE UP!!! So after making up stories about what we had to put in the back of the drunk ("artwork from soho", dead body, etc.) we finally found someone who didn't look, and didn't care. Got it home, through the lobby, in the elevator, through my apartment and out into the garden where it now proudly sits! Now every time I look at it i'm like...WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE THINKING!! I really want to return it but its not like I can do that very "incognito" you know what i mean. The thing must weigh 250-300lbs...STARTING DEFENSE!!!

And that, my friends, is what a weekend with The Joel is like in NYC.

One Month Until Lebowski Fest!!

DUDE: Walter, you can't do that. These guys're like me, they're pacifists. Smokey was a conscientious objector.

WALTER: You know Dude, I myself dabbled with pacifism at one point. Not in Nam, of course--

DUDE: And you know Smokey has emotional problems!

WALTER: You mean... beyond pacifism?

www.lebowskifest.com

Drinking and Hot Pockets

So I have successfully had a hangover every morning this week. Well not a hangover...but i had to groan at least 4 times on my way to the shower and I didn't really walk to the shower, I kind of did that slow, sway side to side "shuffle".

Last night (Wednesday night for all you slow people) was almost disastrous. After a night of drinking 40 water, $5 bud bottles at the bar and rocking out with The Nerds I got a Hot Pocket super craving, but we're talking 1am on Wednesday night, i panicked!! Ok, that might have been a slight exaggeration, but i was concerned until I realized that the 24 hour deli across the street from my new penthouse apartment AND they sell the new Hot Pockets with the cheese baked in...delicious. After a Beef and Cheddar Hot Pocket I quickly slipped into my nightly, alcohol coma.

Birthday Mayhem

So the day finally has cometh, and goneth…my baby sister has turned 21. Although I couldn’t be there to celebrate on the actual birthday, I did make the effort to meet up with her in DC the following weekend to help her celebrate (aka…get her drunk). Because I’m lazy I have decided to create a bullet point list of the weekend…enjoy:

-Got drunk by myself on train down to DC
-SPR’s phone died, leaving me drunk and alone in Union Station
-Apparently broke the law and drank in the Metro
-Met up with my sister and her friends at the Mad Hatter
Lowden danced with many many many college girls…who then forced him to do his MJ impression
-Don’t really remember what happened after that
-Woke up next day and had the mandatory Chipotle to kill any hint of a hangover
-Went to pool and worked on our tans…I think we can all agree I got the darkest that day
-Went to some bar, watched football…drank goblets of beer…and duded out for a couple hours.
-Went to Brass Monkey cause that’s how I roll…
-Sister and her friends had Jager bombs waiting for us b/c some douche bag thought he’d be cool and buy a round for the girls after they said they didn’t want them. Thanks douche bag…they were delicious
-Sisters friends refused to drink and have fun all night..then promptly left half way through the night. Lame.
-Jason’s group of Super Friends quickly came to the rescue…buying many a rounds of wonderful shots.
-Jason’s group of Super Friends also informed Jason of their intentions with my sister….Jason did NOT approve.
-Things got fuzzy
-Things got fuzzy
-Went to diner and immediately made a scene….clearing out any remaining customers.
-Lowden picked up a massive Costco shopping cart from somewhere.
-Lowden rode said shopping cart around until we got home.
-SPR picked up the slack…threw my sister in the shopping cart…and then proceeded to race down the hallway with her in it. If anyone knows how to post video to Blogger, let me know…I have a sweet action clip of that.
-Woke up next day….went to Potbelly’s so The Joel wouldn’t wirelessly attack us with a computer virus.
-Got on train…passed out…

Heading down to DC

I'm ducking out of work a little early to pick up a fifth of Captain Morgans and to hop on a train to DC. Tune into http://doubleonetweezy.blogspot.com/ for mid weekend updates on the weekend. Then check back here early next week for my side of the story.

Planned events of the weekend:

1) Helping my sister celebrate her 21st birthday
2) Helping my friends kick the shit out of any guy that trys anything while she's intoxicated
3) Kicking the shit out of any of my friends that try anything
4) Going to Chipotle on Saturday to kill whatever lingering hangover the late night diner and/or jumbo slice didn't cure.
5) General debauchery

PS...who's got bail money ready? Mandatory pre-weekend reading http://wiki.ehow.com/Help-a-Friend-Who-Gets-Arrested-in-the-Middle-of-the-Night

The Best Part Of My Night

I'll tell you what...the best part of the night was when i lifted a full pitcher over my head to present to the group of drinkers i was with (sort of a braveheart/ "Victory!" type moment) when one of the girls we were with thought it would be an awesome idea to high five the pitcher...essentially spilling a quarter of it everywhere, including on me. High Five!!

Actually...the best part of my night was coming home at 1am and going next door to grab a hot roast beef club...mmm...delicious.

The Multiple Retardation Theory

Jason : all the pictures from that weekend are here: www.flickr.com/photos/jasonhiggins21

Jason: there are some funny ones

Chuck: we are all retarded.

Jason: yes...which makes none of retarded based on the theory of multiple retardation

Ah...so simple...so true

RAZR coming to Verizon by Q1 2006

I can't wait to come back to Verizon...

http://www.mobileburn.com/gallery.jsp?Id=1604

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This picture was initially meant to highlight SPR's secret visit to the Jersey Shore this weekend...but look at the ink on the guy in the white shirt. Gross, GO JERSEY!! GUIDO'S RULE!!

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SPR makes a secret visit to the Jersey shore?? You decide...

Funny Faces from this weekend...

Check out the rest of the pictures @ www.flickr.com/photos/jasonhiggins21

Here is the short short version of the weekend...we got drunk, i woke up, i went into the water, i got drunk again, i went home. Plus I ate massive amounts of food, mainly surviving on pizza and scraps of chicken rolls. I can't really think of any quality stories at the moment, but if one comes to me I will be sure to post it later today. Hill...you got any?

PS...Don't watch Jaws 4 days before you go swimming in the ocean...

Photos from Tuesday Night's Debacle

Semi-Finalist

Where to begin...

I was a semi-finalist in a drag queen contest last night. There...I said it.

We celebrated a co-workers 30th birthday at Lucky Chengs last night (http://www.planetluckychengs.com/). The short short version: its a chinese restaurant that has an entire staff made up of transvestites (some pre-op, some post-op). So half way through dinner they start putting on their show.

"Hazel Nut" began his/her show by singing songs, going around the room talking to people...dancing...straddling someones mother...etc. On a side note, before I got there I thought how funny it would be to bring my family there without telling them what it was. But after seeing someones mom straddled by a tranny I was pretty sure I would never do that to my sweet, wholesome parents. So after some songs, and some very uncomfortable moments we were able to go back to eating without fear of a 6'2" drag queen rubbing up on us.

ADD moment: There was a chick there that must have had triple F tits. They asked her what she did and she said she’s a porn rockstar. She sings in a band called Erocktica….look it up, no joke. Joe, I think you should convert your band to a porn rock band. About 10 minutes later

"Hazel Nut" comes back on the mic and tells about the envelopes they were in the process of handing out. We put money in the envelope and then write someones name on it. If they like what's in the envelope then they'll call your friend to come participate in the "special show". Well our birthday girl got angry and didn't go up...but it didn't matter because they have a some bullshit rule that if you're sitting at a mixed table (girls and guys) then the girl on stage can pick a guy from her table to go up. Guess who got picked... If you were far away or have bad vision you would recognize me as the one that was slamming beers trying to get drunk enough so I wasn’t completely uncomfortable. In the 5 min it took for “Hazel Nut” to explain how the Drag Show was going to work, I slammed two Amstels and shot of Patron. I got a wig and some chick shirt, then went back to my table for my makeup job. I looked ridiculous.

ADD moment: just remembered one of the guys on stage was a choreographer for Eminem and other rappers. Thought that might give Lowden a stiffy.

So we all went back up on stage, and danced around to Madonna or some crap like that. For some reason our waitress, “Heather”, thought I deserved to be in the semi-finals. I told her I really really really didn’t want to be up there anymore. However once I discovered that liquor was the prize, I quickly changed my mind. So me, some guy having a bachelor party and some foreign dude that was having waaaaay too much fun playing drag queen. The restaurant voted who should win best drag queen, and I’m happy to say I lost.

And that my friends is how I ended up as a semi-finalist in a Drag Show.

Wasted at work...

I got out of bed at nine and just sat in the shower for a good twenty minutes. For some reason I thought that would sober me up....no...didn't help much at all. Hangover should commence within the hour

Hill's Birthday

It's Hill's birthday this weekend down at the Jersey Shore...things are bound to get a little out of control.

<-------- Hmmm...wonder why?

I'm torn between bringing down the usual arsenol of Patron or Cabo Wabo....or his favorite, Jameson. Now obviously its his birthday so you think it would be easy...but Jameson causes trouble waaaaaay beyond that of tequila (at least for the Jersey folks.

On a side note, I'm listening to Kayne West's "The New Workout Plan"...its hilarious.

Continuing on...regardless of the hard alcohol there will definitely be a beer ball or two. What's that? You thought Budweiser stopped making those in the 80's? Oh no...they're alive and well and Hall has a Beer Ball Tap and it's glorious! JERSEY RULES!!

More on this as the week progresses...and obviously there will be updates after the weekend.

First Entry

First post..wow...I'm feeling a lot of unnecessary pressure to write something, oh I don't know, GOOD. Since I don't have anything uninsightful to talk about, I'm just going to rant about what's been pissing me off this week.

So my hard drive crashed, rendering my computer completely useless. Surprisingly, I'm OK with this. I wasn't upset about not being able to watch TV or movies, or check email and get the news, etc. What I was worried most about was recovering pictures I have accumulated over the past few years of my life. Yes, most of them are just me in a different location at some various point of intoxication, but whatever, they're good memories and I want them. So I called up these "data recovery" experts...the douchebags want to charge me $1500 - 2000 to "recover" my pictures...not even the entire drive, just the pictures. Isn't there a cheaper way to do this?!

So, to make a short story long...I'm going to start bugging everyone for pictures that I have temporarily lost until I can put together a shitload of $$$$.